emotional shock

Many times in my life, especially these past years, my mind and emotion gets stirred into a mess. I feel that I’m faced with choices that I have to make, unknowns that I have to predict. Sometimes I wish that I can be really sucked into the mess and have to make a decision out of emotional stress.

Unfortunately, I’m too rational.

It’s not that the feelings are not strong. They are very strong, but no matter what, I have this irritating ability to step back and take a look at the situation with hindsight, with freaking PERSPECTIVE. I will step back and look at the situation as if I’m me, 10 years later. I’ll step back and look at me with the universe as a backdrop and say “oh well, inconsequential. Snap out of it.”

Freaking PERSPECTIVE makes me consider the pros, the cons, everybody else, life in a 40 years day by day marathon. Everything thus becomes inconsequential. I can’t see the sense of taking risk. My cousin once read my fortune and told me that I’ll make a major wrong decision due to me using my brain instead of my heart. I think he’s right.

I’m given 2 choices in life. To be totally involved and ride with the emotional ups and downs or to take a step back and enjoy the breeze. I am a coward. I choose to be safe, to stand at distance watching my life go by.